Lately I’ve been asking my clients, especially those who are perfectionists, this question: What does progress look like?
Imagine running a marathon without knowing how far and how long you’ve been running. It’d be very difficult to pace yourself. Or, imagine taking a road trip, and you have no mileposts or road signs to indicate where you are, much less how far you have to go. When we know how far we’ve come, we can calibrate our energy to take us to the finish.
When we don’t know what progress looks like, we are wandering in the dark. We have no idea how much progress we’ve made or how close we are to the finish line. We just know we have not reached it yet and it’s easy to wonder if we have what it takes to get there.
The What does progress look like? question often stumps perfectionists because we tend to imagine what an A+ looks like — and we loathe to imagine anything in the messy middle. In fact, we often want the messy middle to look perfect and can get frustrated when it isn’t. We may tend to focus on what’s not right and how far we have to go.
I made this mistake all the time in my first year of teaching high school English. When I was grading papers I prided myself on how many comments I made on papers. I was not going to be one of those burned out teachers who didn’t provide feedback to students. I wanted them to know ALL the things they needed to work on and, therefore, mostly ignored anything they had done well. I assumed they would know what was right by the absence of any red ink.
Many of them were demoralized. It didn’t help them learn more quickly, didn’t help motivate them, or help them take ownership over their own learning. It just overwhelmed them and made them dread writing papers. By the time I left teaching, I’d changed my tune, but I gave many students the “red pen blues” before I realized my mistake.
Progress is motivating. It brings satisfaction. Learning something new is motivating. It satisfies curiosity and builds confidence. Whether we want to change our own behavior or want to motivate others, I believe we need to treat ourselves and others differently.
Instead of focusing on what's wrong or not going right; instead of criticizing and judging ourselves and others, we need to be a little gentler.
Which brings me to the question: What does progress look like?
The question can be applied to nearly everything: Delegating tasks, teaching new skills, achieving personal goals and even in the squishy area of behavior improvement. Try this with your kids and see what happens when you celebrate what they have done right or the progress they are making.
Think about it. For whatever thing you’re struggling with or area where you want to improve, what does progress look like? You may think of what an A+ looks like first, so go ahead and picture it. Now consider what behavior shifts will tell you that you’re making progress.
For example, maybe I want to develop more patience when driving. The A+ version is a zen state of calm where I feel peaceful and blissful while driving the whole time. I never feel agitated, always let other people merge ahead of me, and don’t swear when someone cuts me off. I (mostly) drive the speed limit.
What does progress look like?
Every time I take a deep breath instead of swearing, that’s progress. Every time I consider the other driver and allow them to merge in front of me, it counts as progress. When I notice how often I exhibit these behaviors, I am proud about the progress I’m making. It motivates me to do more of the same. I do NOT count all the times I forget and fall prey to impatience. That would be the old English teacher in me tracking mistakes instead of tracking progress.
So, why does this matter and why do I find myself posing this question to my clients? Because their work is measured in KPIs. Outcomes. ROI. Goals. Metrics. They often are so focused on the outcomes that they forget to celebrate the wins along the way. Someone almost always wants things faster, which amps up the pressure and stress.
Asking,”What does progress look like?” helps everyone see that they have already made progress, which usually generates some pride and positive energy. Asking the question also breaks down the project/task/goal into manageable chunks so that it’s not so overwhelming.
When it comes to behavior change, it’s easy to be embarrassed by our imperfect efforts. But they are a necessary part of growth. Criticizing ourselves for not getting it right the first time can lead us away from growth and toward not trying anything new.
Go ahead and experiment — with yourself, your kids, your spouse, your team.
Try this.
- What is an area of your life where you’d like to see improvement?
- What is the end state you want to achieve, e.g, What does success look like?
- What is the very first step? (Sometimes the MOST important step is identifying what the very first step is.)
- What does progress look like?
- What’s the step that comes after that?
Celebrate each step and see what happens to your own motivation, energy and outlook.