I’ve been thinking about this idea of “hard work” a lot recently. Many of my clients place a high value on working hard because it feels good to meet a challenge and accomplishment is important to them.

But it also seems like at some point the work becomes too hard and too much. People burn out. They start thinking about leaving their jobs. They imagine selling everything and moving to Costa Rica. They wonder if they could make enough money as a barista. 

When people start talking that way, I want to help them discern between the expectations others have of them, what they expect of themselves — and the expectations they think others have of them. I listen for patterns they can describe in their work history, and I suspect that if there is a pattern, it’s one that they might be creating unconsciously. And if they have a part in creating it, they also have the ability to un-create it. De-create it? Anyway, get rid of it. 

Behind the hard work — the number of hours, number of deliverables and impossible deadlines, late nights, sleepless nights, 24/7 access, no downtime, no or few vacations); behind the complicated problems with no clear path; beyond the pressure from higher ups; etc. — is the story we tell ourselves. 

Work is hard enough as it is. The type of story we tell ourselves is what I believe makes work harder than it needs to be. 

When we criticize ourselves (and others), add unnecessary pressure with the expectations we place on ourselves (and others), or we expect our environment to change so that we don’t have to, we set ourselves up to burn out.  

Our stories become our truth because they grow from our set of beliefs and experiences, but our story is just one interpretation of the facts. Almost always, we can find another way of looking at a situation that makes sense AND that leaves us feeling more empowered. 

Here’s a small sample of what some of those stories sound like. When you read these statements, tune into how they actually make you feel (not what you think you’re supposed to feel when you read them).

Critical stories that lead to self-doubt and spinning

I should know/be/do _____. 

If I had done ____ better, this wouldn’t have happened. 

When things don't go the way I want them to, I feel it’s because I must have done something wrong or something is wrong with me. That’s just about taking responsibility. 

I have to get this right. 

I can’t afford to make any mistakes. 

Because I can’t afford any mistakes, I’ll have to do it myself (or micromanage the heck out of it). 

Stories that lead to overworking

My value comes from how much I do. It’s important to be the hardest working person so that I am always valuable. 

I want to get all of this done, so that they will be impressed. 

I don’t want them to think ____ about me, so I’ll overwork/overprepare/micromanage.

I want to be successful, and so that means I have to put my time in. 

No one notices my value or recognizes my efforts, therefore, I and my contributions do not matter. 

Some of these might resonate with you, some might not. Some might sound exactly like you, and you believe it so strongly that you think it’s not a story, it’s the truth. It’s reality. If one of these pisses you off, that’s a very good sign that you believe something that isn’t working for you. 

When we notice we are telling ourselves these kinds of stories, these are the three questions to start asking:

1. How true is that? 

2. What are the facts? 

3. What is my interpretation of those facts (aka “story”)?

4. In this situation, what do I actually have control over? (Answer: what you think, how you feel and what you do with those feelings, and what you do or don’t do.)

By applying these questions to the stories we tell, we start to separate fact from fiction, which gives us the ability to challenge our assumptions and interpretations. When we become aware of the stories, we can then change them if they are no longer serving us. 

When I pose these questions to my clients, inevitably they realize that not everything has to be done a certain way in a certain time frame and that relieves some pressure. They realize that not every aspect of a project has to be 100% perfect. Some aspects, yes. But there’s usually a component that can be “good enough”. They recognize who they can go to for help. They recognize where they are creating additional work for themselves.

Most important, by asking these questions, they start to see where they could be contributing to their own burnout so that, in many cases, they don’t need to change jobs or bosses or organizations. Sometimes we do. But not always. 

And that brings me to the other most important point. When we aren’t happy with work, we often look to change jobs, change bosses, change teams, etc. But if we have a pattern of burning out, changing our environment will not necessarily change our habits and expectations. When we think our environment has to change before we can stop working so hard, we miss the opportunity to take control of what we can — ourselves. When we see where we do and don’t have control, we can choose what actions to take to get it back. We can’t expect our environment to change so that we don’t have to do the hard work of learning to set boundaries, how to give direct feedback or learn to be more visible. 

So, when we identify what story we’re telling ourselves — and do the work to change our perspective — we can make aspects of work easier.