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How to Take the “ugh” Out of Networking: The Secret to Authentic Networking

By Paige Webster

How to Take the “ugh” Out of Networking: The Secret to Authentic Networking

The vast majority of people I work with dread networking.  

“Ugh. I know I should, but it feels so inauthentic. I hate ‘selling myself.’” 

If this sounds like you, keep reading because I’ve got some strategies to make networking a whole lot easier. 

Typically, people network in two ways: They set up 1:1 meetings or go to events.

1:1 Networking

Everyone says it’s necessary, but no one wants to do it. (Me included.) We abhor the idea of selling ourselves, and furthermore, don’t really believe it will make a difference or work for us. So why bother? We drag our feet on reaching out or make half-hearted, vague attempts to connect that don’t work. 

When I’m working with clients and dig a little, they reveal what gets in their way:

  • “I’m no good at small talk. I don’t know what to talk about.” 
  • “I’m not good at selling myself. I hate bragging.” (BTW, does anyone like bragging?) 
  • “Everyone is so busy. I don’t want to bother anyone.”

What my most-resistant-to-networking clients need is a shift in their perspective so that networking feels authentic. Here’s the trick (which may seem like the opposite advice of what others will tell you): 

Shift the focus away from yourself, how you perform, what you’ve accomplished and how great you are. 

I know, it’s a paradox. 

If the purpose of networking is so that more people know you and can vouch for you, don’t they need to know all of that?

Of course, yes. BUT... 

When we focus on ourselves, we often get stuck in our own heads and worry about how we’re coming across and if we’re making a good impression or if we sound stupid. All of this THINKING gets in the way of actually being present and connecting with the person we’re meeting with. 

Instead, when we create a genuine reason to meet and/or talk with someone, it’s likely going to be easier to have a natural conversation. 

Here’s how I recommend people do it: 

First, for any 1:1 networking you set up, it’s important to let the person know ahead of time why you want to speak with them specifically and what you are hoping to get out of the conversation. How you drive the conversation (emphasis on conversation) is up to you. Do some research and develop questions to ask them. 

Get curious: Make networking about the WORK and about THEM (not you) 

  • What do they know or have expertise in that you’d like to know more about? 
  • What do they see in their part of the organization or industry that excites them? 
  • How did they get to where they are? What challenges did they face and how did they overcome them? 
  • What keeps them up at night? 
  • What gives them heartburn at work? 
  • What are the needs of their team?
  • What do they wish were easier or different? 
  • If they could change one thing about the industry (team/company/world), what would it be?

Be helpful. 

How can you help the other person? You're the one who needs a job!
 
Based on their answers to the questions you pose, where is there overlap with what you do and who you know? Maybe your network could be helpful to them. 
 
Try asking open-ended questions to help them think through whatever they are facing. Talking out loud can give them insight they might not have otherwise. It can also help you demonstrate what you know, how you think, how you work with other people and, all of a sudden, you’ll sound smart and genuine and confident and all the other things you want to be. 
 
No doubt, they will also ask YOU questions, so yes, you need to be prepared to tell them what you want and why. But hopefully by now, it IS a conversation and not just an extended elevator pitch where their eyes glaze over after the third sentence. 
 

Networking Events

While networking events are a slightly different animal – more people, possibly shorter conversations, etc — the basic principle of my advice still applies: Be curious about others and be helpful. Take the focus — and the pressure — off of yourself so that it’s easier to engage in organic conversations. 

Yes, you still need to know what you’re hoping to gain by being at the event. Yes, you need to know how to talk about yourself (briefly). But if you focus on what you want to learn, that mindset shift allows you to show up with curiosity.

Being curious looks like:

What brought you here tonight? 

Who is sponsoring the event, why and what do you think they are hoping to gain? 

You can still use the questions for 1:1 networking to generate conversation beyond “What do you do?”

Being helpful looks like:

Seeing the person standing alone looking awkward and go introduce yourself. Almost everyone at these kinds of events is nervous. You can help make it easier on someone (and yourself) by approaching them first. You can be real, e.g., “Oooh, these things always make me anxious.” The other person may very well appreciate your willingness to be honest and open. 

Networking isn’t about selling yourself — it’s about curiosity and connection. Shift the focus off of you, and you’ll find the “ugh” turns into authentic conversations that actually feel good.

 

Tags: Professional Skills & Development